may 8, 2024
wednesday
life these days…
i rarely hold him in my arms while he sleeps anymore… a baby who grew so big so quickly, and seemingly outgrew my muscles just a few months after he arrived.
i rarely hold him in my arms while he sleeps anymore… his head in the crook of my right elbow and his feet spilling out over my left leg, i look at him and think, “this is a person; he’s a whole fkng person.” he grew inside of me and now he’s growing outside of me and the whole process blows me away as i reflect on it.
i rarely hold him in my arms while he sleeps anymore… so when i do i usually ignore my screaming muscles to stare at him in awe, just for a few moments longer. sniffing his head. kissing his cheeks. before awkwardly leaning over the side of the crib to lay him down and praying to the gods that i don’t wake him up while i creep out of the room.
i’m a little annoyed with how dramatically my perception of time passing can change - at any given moment - based on how much energy i’ve got (or don’t got) in the tank. 😳😵💫
my body never stopped making milk between my big kid* weaning and now (with the bb still nursing), so i’ve been making milk, in varying amounts, for the last 7.5+ years. 🤯
*my big kid has asked that i refer to them as “my big kid” and not by their name when writing about them publicly.
i wonder what it would be like to physically express myself in ways that feel actually exciting and not just neutral to meh.
sometimes i forget that i’m AuDHD.
remembering is usually very funny. 😂
every so often i’ll miss someone i used to be close with. almost immediately after missing them, my mind will try to figure out a way to connect with them in the present.
text them! email them! you don’t have to feel the discomfort of missing someone!
but when i sit through that mental frenetic activity, i often find myself left with feelings of grief about the closeness i used to share with that person.
i’m a different person now.
they’re a different person now.
i have no interest in learning them anew.
nor in sharing myself anew.
to own that i don’t want to pursue a relationship with someone i used to be close with seems revolutionary to the part of me who thought (and still thinks) that every close relationship is supposed to be a “forever” relationship.
… and now i’m off to shave my head & shower and hopefully finish before E gets home with our bb so i can enjoy just a little more time in the house by myself. 🥰
[update: they got home before i even got into the shower because i got distracted along the way but it all worked out just fine and i have a shaved head and clean body once again 😜]
This is a welcome update. And the way you phrased your mixed emotions and acknowledgement about not wanting to learn anew or be learned anew is VERY relatable. Love all of this and 7.5 years! You must be soooo hungry. If only food was as fun as smelling baby’s bodies—IYKYK.